As it seems...

As it seems, it has been almost 4 years since I last updated my blog. It was for various reasons. I told my psychologist because it felt like I couldn’t move on from the grief and continue writing as if nothing happened, or the pain of losing my brother wouldn’t hurt me anymore.

I had a mental block. I moved from Cairns to Brisbane in January 2023. I had plenty of experiences during the four years, including dating my best friend in Cairns, who’s a single dad, which did not work out. It made me realise I needed to do some work on myself to be able to go out and date again. So when I got my permanent residency in Australia, and was allowed to move anywhere to work, I decided to move back to Brisbane as a fresh start that I very much needed.

I started working in a special school, which was a significant growth opportunity for my career. Now, I don’t know if I ever want to go back to mainstream school again. I find the career rewarding on many levels, but especially the school that I work with, makes me feel like I belong there. I feel heard and supported by everyone there, despite some challenging behaviours from students now and then. I have grown resilient and creative in how I handle challenges. I have become confident and more knowledgeable in my role as a special school teacher.

Having moved many times in the past, I immediately knew how to build my social network in Brisbane. Within months, I was active in the board games community and had a bunch of girlfriends. I was out partying and socialising almost every weekend because I had friends who wanted to go and I had nothing better to do. I made some valuable friends, and I tried to be there for the friends that I had made. In October 2023, I had to fly home for Appa’s brain surgery, but my school was understanding, and my friends were super supportive.

I was living the YOLO life since my doctor diagnosed me with another condition (I already had a lung condition) from my autoimmune condition. I truly believed I would die early and prayed it would be after my parents’ passing, so they won’t have to go through the pain of losing another child. I also got told that I might not be able to conceive due to the high mortality rate during childbirth for patients with my condition. It would be a lie to say that didn’t hurt. I didn’t know how to venture into dating life with such information. So, I did one thing I did best, I suppressed and marched on like it didn’t bother me at all.

It was at the beginning of 2024 that some experiences changed my life, which led me to volunteer at a chaplaincy organisation in Brisbane. Through that volunteering opportunity, I found Christ. Since I became a Christian, my life has changed. It gave me the hope that I needed and answered a lot of spiritual questions I’ve had since my teenage years. I do have to go into detail about my spiritual journey in another post. I don’t want to oversimplify my experience.

Recently, I went to a youth camp and had the best time with teenagers and leaders. I was chatting to my Godmother, Vicki about my experience and she suggested me to write a journal of my experience. She said it would bring me a lot of joy to read it over again. That’s what brough this blog post for me. It got me thinking that I should start writing blog posts again. I always feel like I have a lot to say about everything. I do talk a lot but I struggle to get vulnerable sometimes. Sometimes even my own thought process doesn’t make sense to me. Other times, it’s because I feel like people are going to judge and think I am weird for thinking a certain way.

However, having God by my side has changed my perspectives on a lot of things. I feel gratitude, hope, love and compassion all the more because of God’s grace for me.